As I look back on my life over the last 6-8 years, I've almost painfully seen a pattern come up that I've only recently come to recognize within the past year or so. Every 2-ish years, I start to feel restless. I start to get comfortable in what stage I've been in, and I start itching for something else. Some times it's out of boredom and a desire for a challenge, sometimes it's out of sheer discontentment, sometimes it's because I feel the need to start something new in attempt to create a sense of worth for myself, and not taking hold of the unchanging worth I have in Christ. Whether it was getting married, school, pregnancy, a move, another pregnancy, every time I had that "itch", I felt like I had to start chasing after something else. Something that would relieve the itch and give me a renewed sense of purpose.
That itch came up again about 6 months ago. I was restless and asked God what He wanted me to start next. Where is the next shiny object to chase after? I'm ready for it, Lord!
This time, the Lord revealed my deeper soul ailment, that my worth in Him isn't tied to what I do or don't produce, that I'll keep getting this itch until I'm satisfied in Him, and that he values faithful obedience in the same direction more than a life of constant jumping at the next shiny thing.
When I worked through my goals for 2015, I heard the Lord tell me loud and clear to not do or start anything new. All I could think of was how boring that would be. That would make me feel passive and lazy to not start anything this year. But the Lord said something different. He told me it's not passive or lazy to be faithfully obedient to what He has already given me. And that it's actually more of a challenge for me to do that, rather than chase after the next shiny thing.
This has been hard for me to come to terms with because I'm kind of a dreamer. What keeps me running on the treadmill (rather than what keeps me up at night, because Lord knows I love to sleep ) is dreaming. I get running, some worship music playing, and the next thing I know I have ideas for a new ministry, new blog ideas, new ways to use my gifts, new ways to do this that or the other thing, and then I pick up my kids (who are also something I always dreamed of) and the things I was just dreaming about collides with this dream. And I can't find a way to make them both work. And I cry out to God and ask him why He puts these dreams that feel like burdens on my heart to only hear Him say, "NOT YET!"
He tenderly said, "Dear daughter, let these dreams marinate. Just because there's not fruit doesn't mean there's not growth. It'll be more flavorful in the long run if you let it grow and marinate. But right now, learn to be faithfully obedient to what I've already given you and find your satisfaction in Me. Because until I can find you faithful in that, you won't be ready for more."
Okay, Lord. Here's to faithful obedience and letting dreams marinate. Have Your way.